Flourishing Past the Furthest Bounds of Learning

I volunteer four hours or so every Sunday at the local bike collective. I know nothing about bikes. They gave me a bike, I volunteered time to pay back for the bike I was given, then when my time was done, I just kept going.

Some days I feel like a mascot. I know nothing, but I'm eager to learn. But in doing so I frequently feel like I'm underfoot and slowing everyone down. But how else do I start, right?

In the time I've come in, they taught me how to use most of the tools, how to dismantle a bike for parts, how much of what's there is sorted, how to evaluate a few items to decide what to keep and what to toss (inner tubes, brake levers, pedals, and such stuff).

I've met a lot of the people who run it, over the two months I've been coming in. And I've gotten a bit of a rhythm there. So I've started to feel a little bit comfortable coming in. Yesterday's African dance class was so amazing and invigorating, this morning I was started to sink into a feeling of smug complacency, a sort of egotistical, safe self-satisfaction. Nothing major but it was building.

I opened the door today at noon and the place was already swamped. Patrons everywhere needing help. O and K, who are almost always there, were busy in the workshop. I'd never met the guy at the front desk before, and he was busy, so I started to walk back into the workshop to see what needed doing. I got barked at by C, the guy running the desk. "Hey, GUY! Yeah, just come on back to the front. Now."

I asked what needed doing, but no one had time for me. K finally told me if I needed something to do, the fridge really needed cleaning. I rode there thinking, "I'm going to work on BIKES!" Instead I was sponging up coffee grounds.

C kept trying to hook me up with patrons. "This kid needs help picking out a new frame for a good bike for him. Can you do that?" "Uh, no. I don't know how to do that yet." "Ok, well, can you fix this guy's tube with him? It needs patching." "I haven't learned patching yet, really. I know how to inspect them for leaks, is all." And so on. He tried to set me up about three or four times. I had to admit I knew next to nothing, several times.

And patrons kept coming up to me with questions. "Is this right? Will this part work for my bike? Can you tell me what's wrong here?" And time and again, I had to confess I was new, I still knew essentially nothing.

O eventually came up to me to ask if I'd make another pot of coffee. I don't drink coffee. I never have, really. I had to tell O that I really have never brewed a pot before. I cannot express how small and worthless I felt right then. I began to ponder leaving. "They don't have time for me today. I should just get out of the way."

But I knew that wasn't a possibility. So, aching inside, I stayed. I sat on the couch for about an hour and a half. But that was demoralizing. So I got up and loomed over C until he said, "A's about help a kid replace the u-brakes on his bike. Why don't you shadow him and see how it goes?" So I did.

It was interesting. Until C had to leave and he called A to the front room to take over at the desk. The kid A was helping, his bike was partly dismantled on the rack. A was gone. The kid turns to me and asks, "What do I do next?"

I've got to tell you, there's not much room for self-doubt, or self-pity when a 12 year old is looking to you to help him put his bike back together. So, I shrugged, asked O what was next. He outlined what needed doing, and left. I was left to direct the kid and do for him anything he couldn't manage. O stepped in for a few of the trickier bits, but for the most part I just had to muddle through and call on anything I did know to get us through. And we got through.

I was in a bad state much of the time. The Universe kicked me on my face. HARD. I stammered and fumbled with the tools. But, it was the best workshop I've been to so far. I just had the ego stomped right out of me, and when that was done, there was work to do. Humbled, I just did it and enjoyed the ludicrous impression of how impossible it all seemed, but got done anyway. I feel very good right now. Thank you, Universe, for the cold snap. I can't wait to go back next week.